She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
