I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
