I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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