yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
