i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
