She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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