I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
