OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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