I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
