My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
