I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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