i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
