she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
