Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
