look no pants
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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