i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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