we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
