Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
