I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
smell my finger.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
