sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
