WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
