we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
