Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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