there's paper in my vomit.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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