Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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