i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
