I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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