Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
