I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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