If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The struggles of a small town man whore
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