I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
