And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
