Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
