ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
