I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
