I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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