Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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