I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
