And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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