the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
