Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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