i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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