When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
