It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
