The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
