So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like a drive thru vagina
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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