6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
