I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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