I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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