i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
